Garden Gnome Will Be Retired After The 2025 Masters
The iconic figurine joins Langer in bidding farewell and will be celebrated in a special ceremony. Plus, The PGA Tour Transaction Subcommittee accidentally texted me its attack plans.
Multiple club sources have confirmed that this will also be the final Tradition Unlike Any Other featuring the insanely popular Masters Gnome. He confirmed the news to The Quadrilateral.
“I think they wanted a younger gnome,” the infamous terra cotta figurine said from an undisclosed storage facility near Augusta National. “And I do want to spend more time with my garden.”
Various business publications have estimated Masters Gnome sales at $497 million over the first eight editions. The adult doll, capable of withstanding most weather while signaling an open mind to the neighborhood, has required limits on sales windows and purchasable quantities. Despite nearly covering the cost of the new 13th tee with Masters Gnome sales, the club suggested the time had come to retire the lucrative statuette.
“I called [tournament director] Steve Ethun after I read that Fred Couples got the green light, but unfortunately he said it felt like a good time to step away. Or, in my case, go out in a cardboard box wearing another silly outfit.”
The Masters Gnome also understands that it’s time for a younger version or maybe, no Gnome at all.
“The club understandably does not like seeing grown men risking injury to life and limb buying two of me just to go sell on eBay,” the Masters Gnome said through occasional tears. “Mr. Ethun rightly pointed out how my popularity sends a message to the world that there is something profoundly wrong with American adults. I said maybe we just have a lot more swingers than surveys say. That didn’t help my cause.”
The club has arranged for the Gnome to receive one final ceremonial walk off the grounds while saluted by merchandise employees. The adoring staffers will hand the Masters Gnome off to a group of patrons in the parking lot who will, one last emotional time, toss the adult doll into a scorching car trunk as they scurry to re-enter the grounds chasing dreams of purchasing another figurine.
The PGA Tour Transaction Subcommittee Accidentally Texted Me Its Attack Plans
The world found out shortly after 7 p.m. Eastern time on February 20 that a White House meeting did not go well. It involved the PGA Tour, the PIF of Saudia Arabia, and President Donald Trump.
I, however, knew within hours after the first bombshells dropped that no deal was forthcoming between the sides, despite Trump’s assertion he could bring the competing tours together. I knew this because PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan added me to a Signal group chat where the meeting agenda was discussed. An agenda that included precise information about what would be said, insults dropped, targets of derision, pointless proposals, talk of the most coveted influencers, and even surprisingly flippant banter pre-planned to insult PIF head Yasir Al-Rumayyan.
This strange story technically begins shortly after the framework agreement in June, 2023. The Saudis—eager to sportwash away their various atrocities—delivered chaos to the global game with an upstart Tour idea stolen from another group. After the “LIV” league got off the ground, the sides have struggled to finalize an accord that would bring men’s professional golf together.
This is where Monahan and I come in.
On Tuesday, February 18th, I received a connection request on Signal from a user identified as Jay Monahan. Signal is an open-source encrypted messaging service popular with journalists, National Security Advisors, and others who seek slightly more privacy than most text-messaging services. I wondered if the request was from the actual Jay Monahan even though his icon featured a photo skiing at Steamboat Springs, his happy place. It immediately crossed my mind that someone could be masquerading as Monahan in order to somehow entrap me.
I hesitantly accepted the connection request on the chance this Monahan finally wanted to acknowledge his buffoonish positions on the rollback, slow play and the Tour’s latest embarrassing obsession: influencers. Or maybe he just wanted to talk about needing to lay people off after getting $1.5 billion in new equity.
Two days later—Thursday—at 4:28 a.m., I received a notice that I was to be included in a new Signal chat group. It was called the “His Excellency, My Ass” Working Group. Later that day, Monahan, Adam Scott, LIV’s Al-Rumayyan and President Donald Trump would have a White House “working session.”
To protect the innocent and not divulge more than is necessary, I’ve re-typed the highlights and all emojis from this early morning exchange. This exchange centered around handing the DP World Tour (European Tour) to LIV in a “reunited” sport.
February 20th
Adam Scott
So are we really going to give PIF the Euro Tour?
Patrick Cantlay
@jaymonahan If you think we should do it, let’s go. I just hate bailing out Europe again.